Extreme Bullshi… Bullrider|
||Direct X6 compatible
||5x Creative DVD
||Sound Blaster 16
||Matrox Millenium G200
Reviewed by: Zach Rounds
Oh God, not again.
In the next phase of their ongoing quest to destroy humanity, Headgames has released eXtreme Bullrider. This twenty-dollar coaster manages to capture the thrill and excitement of taking a really bad reflex test. Unlike eXtreme Paintbrawl, words can describe how awful this game really is, so sit down, buckle up, and I'll try to make this quick.
First I strapped my computer down, remembering with fear the last time I played an eXtreme game. Visions of flying joysticks and zip drives flash past my eyes, along with my computer bouncing about as it tried to disconnect the power or, failing that, destroy itself. There would be none of that foolishness this time. However, as I loaded up EB I noticed that:
1. It seemed to actually run in windows.
2. A rather nice menu screen had replaced the "eXtreme screen". It wasn't really anything special, but after eXtreme Paintbrawl's horrifying… thing… the Quake console looks like a work of art.
My happiness was further increased due to there being two different games to play. "If one of them sucks I'll just play the other one. They can't both be bad," I told myself. Headgames proved me wrong. At least the computer didn't thrash about this time, although I did hear a whimpering sound coming from the PC speaker.
The first reflex test is the bullriding "simulation". Here's how it goes. You see your character on top of the bull in the bullpen (I have no idea if that's what it's called, but it seems to make sense). The gate opens, and the bull starts to flail about in a circle (and I mean a circle. The bull might as well have had a hoof nailed to the ground to pivot around). Above the bull is a circle with some lines in it. There is an X laying flat inside the circle and a cone pointing down at the circle. As the bull flails about the cone will start to move towards the edge of the circle. Your goal is to move the X away from the cone, thereby pulling the cone back into the center of the circle. You want to do this for eight seconds, after which you are given a seemingly random score.
The one good thing about this is that the graphics don't look horrible. They just look pretty damn bad. All the graphics are in 3D. While the textures are super-bland, they don't even come close to the monitor defiling graphics in eXtreme Paintbrawl.
The bad part is that there isn't much to do. The whole game consists of trying to keep the cone in the middle. You can pick harder bulls to ride, but it's still the same thing, only with jerkier flailing. This was mildly amusing for 30 seconds, after which my I began to debate whether or not it would be worthwhile to try auctioning off my soul on ebay, as it is now heavily tainted.
The other game-like object is called Bullfighting, although if you dream of butchering cattle with a sword and a cape you need to keep looking. The "bullfighting" in EB consists of you controlling a rodeo clown. Your goal is to pick up various items like fiddles and boots while avoiding getting hit by a very slow moving bull. You are also racing against time, and in order to keep playing (you don't want to) you must pick up little clocks that are lying about. If you manage to get enough fiddles or boots more clocks will appear, along with more items to go pick up. This is worse than the bullriding game. The only thing that makes this challenging at all is that the clown seems to have had brooms shoved into every orifice available, forcing it to walk like, well, like a clown that has had brooms shoved into every orifice available.
I don't know why this game was made. Even if it sells well (please god no) I would still feel ashamed to have worked on the product. I can imagine what it must be like for the makers to be at a dinner party.
"So, what do you do for a living?"
"I make crap"
Our rating out of 10:1.5 (because there actually is a sort of game in there)
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