|Price: we paid $2 (that may be to much though)
||Direct X6 compatible
||5x Creative DVD
||Sound Blaster 16
||Matrox Millenium G200
Reviewed by: Zach Rounds
The worst game ever.
Yep. Words can't describe the pain that I felt while playing this game. I'm not even sure where to begin. Let's start with
Gameplay -- 0.0
or the lack of it. From the opening screen I knew that this game wasn't going to be any good. Any game that starts with the Build Engine (Duke Nukem 3D) initializing is in for trouble. I was then dumped onto the main selection screen. First, I had to build a team and arm it. Actually, that was the second thing I did. The first thing I did was adjust my monitor until the picture was in the center of the screen (I can only assume that the monitor knew what was coming, and tried to push the game as far away as possible). I then armed my team with various paintball weapons and accessories. While I did this, I noticed something rather peculiar. If I right clicked on the menu the "copy, cut, paste" windows pop-up menu would appear. Just think! Now I can copy the various load-outs to the clipboard and share them with my friends! I can't help but think that this is somehow horribly wrong.
After some more clicking of screens I finally came to the game (although calling this a game sullies the actual word). Here are my thoughts as I played:
1. Oh look, the Build engine. How quaint.
2. Hmmm mouselook barely works. Well, back to the keyboard.
3. Where are my teammates? Where are the enemies? What am I doing?
4. Ah, there's one of my teammates. Why is he trying to have sex with the wall?
5. That red blob must be an enemy. It seems to be walking in circles. Is it lost? Well, I might as well shoot it.
6. Um, did I just shoot? I hit the fire button, but all I heard was an odd sound. Was that blue dot a paintball? And where did the enemy go? It just disappeared when I shot at it.
7. Oh well. I'll just try to find the flag. Maybe there's a shortcut in that hole.
8. I am in a hole with no exits. I can't jump out. My computer has started to shake. This may possibly be an attempt by it to disconnect its power cable.
9. I hit a button to change soldiers. Oh look, I'm stuck in a wall. The team member from #4 must have succeeded.
10. I change to another team member. This one is back where I started. Looking at the top of my screen I notice that all the rest of my teammates are dead. Including the one in the hole, which doesn't make any sense as the hole is very deep. Perhaps the other team has grenades? Or maybe the team member in question has committed suicide. I know I would if I were stuck in this game.
11. I wander in what looks like the direction to the flag. Along the way I notice many other soldiers from both teams trying to have sex with the wall. Maybe they know something, I wander over to the wall.
12. After rubbing up against the wall for a minute with no results I decide to move on. I walk some more. There's the flag! I go touch it. I am then thrown back to the eXtreme screen with no fanfare whatsoever.
13. I have finally found proof that there is no god.
I would also like to mention that I am not joking about the eXtreme screen. When you hit escape during the game it asks you if you would like to return to the "eXtreme screen". I found the eXtreme-ness of the eXtreme screen to be pretty damn un-eXtreme, but maybe someone at Headgames thinks that an ugly static screen is about as eXtreme as things get. If I ever meet this person, I promise to remove their genitals to prevent breeding.
Graphics -- 0.1(because there are some)
This makes "Nam" look good. Not counting the aforementioned eXtreme screen, the graphics are the epitome of bland and squashed. And pixilated. And painful. And (insert any insult here).
Sound -- 1.0(because there is almost none, a good thing)
This makes the internal PC Speaker sound good. All I ever heard were a few hissing and squirting sounds. I didn't hear any music at all. I think I was lucky. I don't want to imagine what eXtreme music sounds like.
I'd say that this game has "joke-gift" written all over it, but it wouldn't be funny, and would probably end with someone pulling out a weapon. Needless to say this will be the prize in one of our contests. Probably the "Get rid of all our readers" contest.
Our rating out of 10:-¥
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